Went to see Dr. J. today for my check up after the diagnostic laparoscopy. We saw the video of the procedure and decided on the next steps. We will go ahead with insemination as soon as possible taking advantage that I have now crispy clean uterus and ovaries.
I thought that I would take a break a month or two as I am feeling pretty crappy and sore still. But the thing is that I have a window of opportunity and I need to take it now.
So two week break and here we go again. This time, Dr. J. promised to stimulate my ovaries gently, not like last time, that I´ve ovulated with seven eggs. Half should do he trick, few nice sized eggs.
My first thought was,” YAY, I might get my birthday present after all”…my birthday is on 30th Oct and hubby was like, ”Don’t start with that, else you will ruin your birthday in case it don’t happen”. Realist and dreamer.
Anyways, my back is killing me so I am off to bed to relax.
So it’s done. I’ve had endometriosis.
Endometriosis (from endo, “inside”, and metra, “womb”) is a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries. The uterine cavity is lined by endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. These endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often worsen with the menstrual cycle.
Endometriosis is typically seen during the reproductive years; it has been estimated that endometriosis occurs in roughly 5-10% of women.Symptoms may depend on the site of active endometriosis. Its main but not universal symptom is pelvic pain in various manifestations. Endometriosis is a common finding in women with infertility.
Conservative therapy consists of the excision (called cystectomy) of the endometrium, adhesions, resection of endometriomas, and restoration of normal pelvic anatomy as much as is possible. There are combinations as well, notably one consisting of cystectomy followed by ablative surgery (removal of endometrium) using a CO2 laser to vaporize the remaining 10%–20% of the endometrioma wall close to the hilus.Laparoscopy, besides being used for diagnosis, can also be an option for surgery. It’s considered a “minimally invasive” surgery because the surgeon makes very small openings (incisions) at (or around) the belly button and lower portion of the belly. A thin telescope-like instrument (the laparoscope) is placed into one incision, which allows the doctor to look for endometriosis using a small camera attached to the laparoscope. Small instruments are inserted through the incisions to remove the tissue and adhesions. Because the incisions are very small, there will only be small scars on the skin after the procedure. The patient usually can go home the day of the surgery and should be able to return to their usual activities….not in my case,I stayed the night at the clinic, I am in pain, almost fainted today and overall feel sore and full of that CO2 gas inside of me. But hey…I am cured I hope!!!
So next week control and soon we can start with inseminations…hopefully that will work and we will not have to do any more IVFs.
I went to acupuncture yesterday and it hurt like hell. Apparently I am full of blocked emotions and that is why when the needle hits the spot, it unblocks it. Ufff….I tell you, I cried out. Then I felt a bit better for a while until this morning.
Hubby didn’t have enough clean shirts so he called me ´useless´. The word I use myself recently to describe how I feel about myself. I feel useless. I cannot organize myself well, I tend to forget things, appointments and pick up his shirts.
After he left, I sat on the laptop and wrote him an email.
yes I am useless, you said it. Every right to be mad. I am no good, no use for nothing. It´s true and I feel that way. I am very distracted, I keep forgetting things and nothing really interests me at the moment. I am full of blocked emotions and they are slowly surfacing and making my life impossible to control. I am sorry I cannot help you with basic chores like organizing shopping or picking up shirts. The truth is that it bothers me too, but it costs me a lot to do it. I am trying to be a happy bunny, but I just feel like a loser. The only thing I ever wanted out of life and fought for it so hard and yet still no result, I start to believe that, that is the way with everything. Love you.
I feel a bit relieved now. I let it out at the right time. I cried as well.
But I feel weak and just pray I am not entering into depression…or maybe I am already in it….I need to put myself together somehow…
I am just plain sad….not only because another of my high school friends posted pictures of her newborn baby girl, but overall been thinking sad stuff.
In one week I am scheduled for my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. A little step forward. I don’t know how to feel. More poking and probing.
I had a dream last night about giving birth to a beautiful baby girl with brown eyes. She smelled so nice and her skin was so soft. I remember her one sec in my tummy and then gone, like she has never been there…I woke up happy and rested before realizing the meaning of the dream. I haven´t stopped crying since. I haven´t changed from my pyjama and been walking around the house like a ghost.
Friends suggesting I go shopping, do yoga….whatever to get me out of this mood. I am not in mood to do anything, just grieve. Allow me grieve.
Sometimes I feel like a murderer. I have a confession to make. I got pregnant once. When I was barely 2o years old. Found out at almost 9wks that I was bleeding and in a lot of pain. They told me that it wasn´t appendix, but pregnancy. I was horrified. I split up with my boyfriend two moths ago…just the last time he knocked me up…imagine that. I was going to study and no plans for this unwanted baby. I decided to abort. They put me up in the hospital with all the other pregnant ladies, who were either in labour, going to labour or in risk pregnancy. They had to save me and the baby until the day for abortion. I was asked questions how far am I, consoled that everything will be alright…bla bla…they had no idea I was going to kill this poor child. I thought at that time, that was the best thing for me. It haunts me ever since. I guess I have never forgave myself and now that I am desperately wanting baby for almost 10 years I cannot.
I am punished, haunted…I could have a 11 years old child now…I need to forgive myself…..I need to grieve….
Dear Aun Flo arrived today. So far minimal pain. I had no interest of going out, but then I decided to sign up for a two month course of Photoshop. To keep my mind busy.
As hubby says, ¨The process should not run our lives, we shall decide when or how!¨. He sees everything in the eyes of science, not in God´s will.
I am not religious or anything, but I do believe in higher energy, guardian angels and destiny. Something has been written for me and something I can change.
I can´t change the fact, that I am infertile, but I can change the way of dealing with it.
Hubby surprised me the other day by saying, that if we do run out of options to have a biological child, he is willing to adopt for me so I can fulfill my dream of being a mother. That meant the world to me. Suddenly I felt a slight flicker of happiness and hope, instead of falling into deep sadness.
This morning hubby and I went to consult Dr. J. about the next steps. We decided that 16th August 2011 I will undergo laparoscopia and histeroscopia.
After that we will see what to do next.
Today I am back to my weekly acupuncture. I also darkened my beach blonde hair to dark blonde. Dark times, dark hair. No, I am kidding. Just needed a change.