Today is my son’s first month. Today I cried a lot. Today I was judged by a dear friend. Today sucked. Today is Friday 13th.
She wrote me a couple days ago asking how am I doing. I wrote her the truth. Perhaps my tone was a bit sarcastic and light, but I admitted to not coping very well and hiring a night nurse for a month. She did not reply.
Last night was our 4th wedding anniversary so we went out for couple of hours to dinner. Grandma and grandpa and the night nurse took care of our little one. I couldn’t wait to get back home, but it was nice to be out.
This morning I sent her an instant message saying how nice it was to get out. She replied that she was happy for me, but doesn’t understand my email and was unable to respond to it. I asked her why. She told me, that being a mother of two, who went through two painful and traumatic C.sections, had no help whatsoever and didn’t go out alone with her partner for four years finds my ”complaining” ridiculous and rather not comment further. I prompted her to tell me what is wrong with having help while I was sick so I could recover.
What is so wrong with having someone to clean my house and help me get some rest? She said that after many years of trying to have this precious miracle baby, I should be a better fighter and handle it better, be stronger and not such a wimp. How other women handle it when they cannot afford any help? I replied that I absolutely admire those strong mothers, but unfortunately, I’m not one of those.
I’m weak, depressed and struggling. So I asked for help. I can afford it, so why suffer and let my baby suffer? I’m fragile, over-sensitive and needy person. Ok. I can’t help it, that is who I am. I felt hurt by her. I told her, I’m really sorry she doesn’t understand, and if i hurt her feelings I’m truly sorry, but I’m not dealing well with this and her way of supporting me is not helping. She apologized for being harsh. She said, that she was just trying to make me see, that others have it harder and I should be grateful. I said I am very grateful for having the choice and I know that others may suffer more than me, that my situation to someone may appear easy and breezy. Well, not to me it isn’t. Should I apologize for being weak, for wanting to have a life, for being able to rest? OK. I am sorry y’all.